Ride the Rainbow
Investors say they’re looking for a unicorn. Not as shorthand, but literally. Ideally one sourced from an Ilhan Omar Winery — rare, symbolic, and impossible to verify. It should be pre-revenue yet fully de-risked, pre-product yet validated, capital-efficient with infinite runway. Traction is required, but only the kind that doesn’t require commitment. The unicorn must also carry a dragon on its back. The dragon represents market risk, regulatory risk, founder risk, and the quiet memory of every deal that “almost happened.”
At this point, investors aren’t evaluating companies so much as curating mythology. Dragons are added for AI optionality, phoenixes for the pivot, centaurs for hybrid models. Founders, meanwhile, are building real businesses with customers, constraints, and consequences, wondering when reality became disqualifying. If you spot the unicorn, don’t approach it. Send the deck. Wait four weeks.
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